05272020MUSH

Yesterday I did Mushrooms.

I layed three pieces of mushrooms down in the oven and let it warm up for 20 minutes at 200 degrees.

*exit kitchen to Edward's room*

I picked up my dinner with tongs...

Edward suggested peanut butter, full spoon done- I dipped right in!

I hugged Edward before I blasted off.

6:20PM

Crunch crunch crunch...I thought to myself "This is not a lot. This will be the first and last time, so let's go all out!" when the bass dropped in Lady Gaga's new song with Ariana Grande 'Rain on Me' in Edward's room I bit the bullet with the spoon full of peanut butter and crunchy mushrooms, alongside the cold ones.

We walk to Edward's room.

Small chocolate bar.

We reviewed his images he took at Caneel Bay on his bed. Accumulating image by image by image...my nose started running and my eyes started getting wet. One image fell on me completely. Eight bright yellow kayaks, with baby blue sky, and a boat on the left side. It was so beautiful. The image is still in my head. Will be for awhile.

This crying was brought to me by Edward's warm smile, warm room, and the humidifier he loves dancing around me. I'm confused on why the mushrooms haven't hit me yet. I go to the kitchen for paper towels and my legs start to feel wobbly. I'm back. In his room.

We somehow end up watching his hard drive of photos on iPhoto on my laptop. It was instant access to his past life with the ones he loved: Erick, Edward, Micah, etc. intimate rooms, Bushwick, THE kitchen, outside. One was a video eating ass for a quick second, one was a fully naked body sprawled on top of a bed on the floor, and the rest was snapchats. A curiosity in me grew hungrier and hungrier. The ones he was embarrassed by I could see the veins in his forehead, a smirk, and a gasp for air.

 I try to pop and pull his leg back into place, he grows more annoyed by each minute. I don't know what I was doing but I so desperately wanted to help. He was hurting all day.

We end up in the kitchen again and say goodnight in the hallway. I'm okay for now. Just really sensitive. Fragile.

I'm sweating like a whore in church.

I got my room. Fifteen minutes past by I look to my left and there were the green Northern lights. The windows from my neighbors across my room were lit up in different colors like those classic alien scenes when the family was being abducted by aliens! Everything in the room was mute. Except for me...This is a bad dream. Shake it out Dario!

I don't remember if I peed in the bathroom for real for real but when I did, the room was extra bright white and expanded. As white as Edward's teeth.

I return to my room and peek next door in the living room. And I peek across Brian's room. I lay down to try to sleep.

The next thing I know I was yawning like Rosamund Pike in Massive Attack's music video for Voodoo In My Blood. The Northern lights were turning pink, blue, and alternated with green. The whole sky light up and so did my eyes. I'm rolling around in bed.

This is a bad dream! No no no. You're experiencing it. The closest I can describe my surroundings is like those carnival Fun house mirrors. Bloated and wavy. The shape and geometry of strips of acid tabs circle around me like the shape of a turning DNA molecule, double helix. I laugh and laugh. I put my fingers into my mouth like a fish hook. I touch my dick. I roll out. I'm laying in stillness.

I call out Edward's name. I ask who is he? Who am I? Where am I? I mention marriage. I forgot he was married to Thiago. Repetition repetition repetition. Then I turn to my phone and audio message my friend Daniel who lives in Los Angeles. I'm tripping out and laughing to myself. God I hoped Brian didn't hear me and later (confirmed) Edward didn't hear me last night.

In the middle of my laughs and trip I snapped out of it for about three or four seconds. I realize what's happening and I stopped trying to fight it, or else my body would go into panic mode. I don't know how long this trip lasted.

I wake up in the morning at the other end of my bed and it is bright and early. 7:30 am I would say.


I have eternal gratitude for Edward babysitting me for the first part of my shrooms experience. This was the man I want to adopt a child with. This is the man I want to marry. This is the man I feel connected with the most. I'm scared to lose but excited that I'm in this together. For awhile! Nothing is forever and forever is nothing.

This is new. This is chaos. This is.